CUPERTINO, CA (Hypebot) – Apple and Google have confirmed plans that will revolutionize digital music and thwart rampant music piracy.
After months of speculation, the two tech-giants have revealed their plans to offer users digital music lockers. Due to the widespread use of the Windows Operating System and its tendency to crash all the time, Apple and Google determined that users are in desperate need of "song insurance."
Spokespeople from both companies told Hypebot in a statement that they think piracy stems from Microsoft users having to always re-download their libraries after encountering software errors, i.e. The Blue Screen of Death, and viruses that are known to corrupt hard drives. Apple and Google admitted that providing users with digital lockers fails to address "the much larger problem" that people still use terrible computers, but in a Microsoft-dominate market they must "look out for the little guy," they said.
Often users buy computers with Windows, download digital music, forget to back up their hard drives, and months later encounter a critical error, of a non-recoverable nature, that causes their entire system to "crash."
Next users take their computers in to get fixed, only to find out that all of their music is gone. Franticly, they call Apple, demanding that they be allowed to re-download their music. Of course, it is well known that Apple does not allow users to do that. Instead of re-buying their music from iTunes, the Apple spokesperson reported that users "torrent everything" and then "everybody loses." To help quell this problem and steer users away from piratic tendencies, Apple decided that it was time to create a cloud-based locker that automatically backed up song files.
Asked why, the spokesperson relayed that, "Microsoft users are lazy." Google concurred. They believe there is a "huge market" in selling them song insurance.
In an attempt to gauge industry reaction and the impact that this radical new development will have, Hypebot reached out to Forrester analyst Mark Mulligan who is known more famously for telling the New York Times that, "As things stand now, digital music has failed." Asked his opinion on the news that Apple and Google would provide users with digital lockers, Mulligan immediately told Hypebot in a phone interview that he "firmly believes this changes everything."
At MIDEM, Mulligan told major labels that their products must have S.P.A.R.C., which stands for "social, participative, accessible, relevant, and connected."
After hearing Apple and Google's plans to provide Microsoft users with song insurance, Mulligan rewrote his acronym and told Hypebot that the major labels must follow the lead of Apple and Google and adopt a music strategy that is "safe, predictable, antiquated, reliable, and contrived." Despite Apple's misstep with Ping and Google's blunders with Buzz and Wave, Mulligan believes that they will "definitely save the music industry and thwart rampant music piracy." The Financial Times reports that the "digital music market is set to be shaken up as soon as this summer" once Apple and Google roll out their cloud-based lockers.
Contrary to speculation, neither Apple or Google's plans involve offering unlimited subscription music. When asked, both companies agreed, "Digital lockers are the future of music." Mulligan added, "Consumers will love cloud-based storage."
Mircosoft users failed to comment at the time of this writing. Their computers are broken. In an e-mail to Hypebot, CEO Steve Jobs said, "Please leave us alone."